Thursday, February 17, 2011

Secrets Secrets Are LOTS of Fun...

One thing I’m sure EVERY work place deals with is the viral spread of any and all rumors.  Generally, I’ve found, that gossip spreads most quickly when it pertains to certain individuals lacking in the arena of positive popularity and thriving in infamy.  I believe, however, that rumors always have a tiny amount of truth hidden amidst the bull crap.  I mean, it had to start somewhere, right?



Not too long ago, Bossman was the epicenter of the gossip circulation because of his alleged break-up with Satan’s Mistress.  For about a week everyone in the office, and I mean everyone (even people in other departments that have a certain detestation for Bossman) was approaching me about the rumors buzzing around the halls.  People ignorantly assumed that I, being his assistant, had the inside scoop.  WRONG.  I am the last person to know anything about his personal life.  1. He knows people are going to come and ask me.  2.  I don’t give a crap. 

Of course, I played dumb.  The kicker was when the Pres’s assistant cornered me in the hall asking for details. 

Everything she said was accurate:
-          All the photos of Bossman and Satan’s Mistress had been removed from BOTH of their desks.
-          Satan’s Mistress had ceased wearing her engagement ring

I informed her I noticed the same things, but I had no idea what it meant.  Quickly after the conversation ended a switch flicked in my brain.  I had just been baited.  Our Pres despises rumors and gossip.  If he catches wind of something, it ends right then and there.  They were trying to see if I was the originating gossiper!  Luckily, I had kept my mouth shut when she asked me what I knew.  What I didn’t tell her was that for weeks I had seen Bossman searching endless listings of homes for sale and that I had also found (completely by accident, I swear) a journal entry saved on a jump drive describing in detail the frail segments of their tumultuous relationship and his longing to be the center of her affection.  (Bossman had inadvertently saved it to a drive he and I share…) 

That afternoon Bossman and Pres were in a meeting for 3 hours.  Immediately after, Bossman instructed me to reserve a conference room and schedule a meeting for first thing in the morning.

The next day Bossman locked us all in the room and began his investigation of who started the rumors and why people can’t keep their mouths shut.  He said the rumors were false and we all need to stop talking.  Okay.

An hour later, Farty McFarterson confessed to being the drive behind the rumor mill which then followed with extreme paranoia from him the rest of the day over whether or not he was going to get fired for it. 

A month later was when Bossman told us all they had actually broken up. Duh.

This is what happens when you have an office romance.  Whether you like it or not, your relationship is open to the public of the office.  Especially, if you’re one of the ding dongs that wears their heart on theirs sleeve, like Bossman.  He thinks he’s slick and evasive of our observations, but he’s not.  When he’s not happy he micromanages.  When he’s happy he makes fun of us.  When he’s miserable he takes 3 hours lunches, comes in late and leaves early.  When he’s in a good mood he gets here early, stays at his desk and works and acts like an attentive and caring manager.  We all know the signs of his good/bad moods. 

I don’t want you to think I keep my mouth shut to protect Bossman.  I don’t have allegiance to him like that. No way.  I do it to protect myself.  I only care about his well-being in regards to how it affects me.  I just wanted to lay that out here… my intentions through all of this are completely self-serving.  Capiche? 

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