Something that occupies quite a large portion of my time, but that I rarely write about (on the other blog with my name on it… this must remain anonymous so I don’t get fired. OBVIOUSLY) is work. I have a job. I have a job that leaves me feeling frustrated and trampled on at the end of each day. Who'd think that being an assistant would be so emotionally taxing? Well, it is. One thing my employers failed to mention upon hiring me was the clause in my job description that deemed me as "the office punching bag a.k.a. the office doormat".
Think of an office as a social hierarchy. I loosely refer to Gossip Girl when painting this mental image. In the world of Serena Van Der Woodsens and Blair Waldorfs, I am the Jenny Humphrey. Sure, I have a lot going for me and I probably have more potential than 98% of the people I work with, but simply because I am an assistant, I have been cast to the very bottom of the office totem pole.
Fortunately for me, this position is temporary. A means to an end.
A typical day for me is not much different from that of Pam from The Office. I deal with a boss who truly believes he is the most compelling man in existence and laughter at his jokes is a requirement to maintain the balance of joy/misery for the day. If one fails to respond to his banter with devastatingly joyful laughter, you can be sure that the next 8 hours will be met with acute micromanagement. Not to mention the absurd degree of ungratefulness resonating from every pore of his being. When I was first hired, he informed me that he will not say "please" or "thank you" to me, that I should always assume it is implied.
Implied? IMPLIED?
So when you come to my desk with a report, slam it in front of me and bellow, "YOU NEED TO DO THIS NOW", I should presuppose that what you really intended to say was, "I was wondering if you could please find some time in your busy schedule to complete this report for me. I would really really appreciate it. Thank you." ???
Something seems lost in translation here.
Last week, in an attempt to conciliate a very discouraged team, the Bossman bought us all lunch. Feeling obligated to do so, we all ate lunch with him in the lounge. First thing out of his mouth was, "I read this in a management book."
Feeling too at ease with the situation, I inadvertently blurted out, "What? To force your employees to spend time with you by buying us food? Great management skills."
Immediately after "skills..." left my lips I realized what I had just said. Did I really just debase the most egocentric person I know in front of his entire team?
Yep. Yep I did. I gave myself an imaginary pat on the back for finally speaking my mind.
Fortunately, everyone laughed and so did he. I thought for a moment that I was turning over a new leaf... not taking anyone's crap anymore. My plan boomeranged. The outcome was worse than I expected.
The Bossman felt as if we bonded. I expect he felt that since I was at ease enough to slight him it meant that we were friends.
The rest of the afternoon was spent flaughing (fake laughing) with at him. I'm not very good at it, but I think I'm getting better.. lots of practice, ya know. I listened to stories about hockey and pumpkin carving. I listened to stories about him fighting girls off with a stick (which I imagined in my head to be more like the blind guy, Blinkin, from Men In Tights when he was sword fighting with the wooden pole). Then I tried to stare at his chin as he talked and in a failed attempt to ignore the giant booger hanging out of his shnoz. I accidentally let out a little gagging sound and had to pretend I was having a coughing spasm.
I’m not afraid to say it. I hate boogers.
With that I leave you.
The Bossman called in sick today which means I need to go do his job for him. Oh wait, I do that even when he’s here.
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